And the Music Never Ends

I have known this, but my grief counselor, Colleen, reminded me today that I am doing the grief work now that most people would have done a year ago.  For reasons known and unknown, my grieving Rob's death didn't start until three months ago.  I chose to enter this place, and I'm here to say, "It sucks!" However, I wouldn't want to miss a bit of this journey, as painful and oppressive as it's been at times.  I have felt a lot, cried a lot, and just gotten absolutely bored with this "place" called grief.  I've felt "lonely" for the first time in forever. And yet, I've stayed on the ride...and will continue to.  

Maybe it's better said that grief has ridden me. It has a mind of its own, and will have its way with you.  You can try to shake it off, but, believe me, it will win the battle. And, it seems to thrive on resistance.  So, I'm learning to give it lots of room, knowing this is a temporary "event", even though it feels never-ending.  And, yet, over time (and there is no itinerary), when you get rode hard and put up wet, some amazing things start showing up...like LOVE and HOPE.

Okay, stay with me here.  I'm not going all gooshy on you.  I'm talking about LOVE and HOPE that are not earth-bound.  They are eternal and everlasting, in spite of us! They are ever-present and yet out of sight when we are flying high and on our own.

But when I couldn't do it on my own, LOVE and HOPE found me. 

In trying to make sense of things (typical for me), I created a relationship graph, something I learned about in a Grief Recovery workshop.  It was very helpful to see my relationship with Rob over the 50 years we were together, the highs, the lows, the points at which we grew together and apart.  It allowed me to write a letter to him that included apologies, forgiveness, and lots of affirmation.  It was a very healing process.

And yet...I still couldn't find a place to land, right here, right now, that helped me move forward with LOVE and HOPE in my heart.

Until today:

I realize I failed to include a very important span of time on that relationship graph. In fact, the instructions very clearly say to put the current month and year as the ending point on the graph...not the date of the loss. I had left out almost an entire year of our relationship--the year following his death.  The authors stress that the relationship does not end with the loss.

Well, of course. How could I have missed it? From the beginning, I knew that Rob was NOT his body, his depression, his illness.  In fact, from the moment of his death, I knew we were both released from all that was in the way of who he really was without that dratted earthsuit that held him back and down for most of his life.  As Colleen said, he is now freed of all that had kept him down. He is only PURE ROB, the essence and truth of his spirit...the Rob I chose and knew for 45 years and 364 days...the Rob I continued to choose time after time, because I knew that part of him was in there.  And that part lives on!

Well, hello!  And HOORAY!  THAT is what I get to relate to from now on.  THAT is who he is trying to show me in so many ways, now that he is FREE of all that got in the way.  It has been necessary for me to recall and grieve the earthsuit story, but that is NOT where OUR STORY ends. 

Here are the lovely places Rob keeps showing up in my life:

Humor, good food, music, beauty, movies, listening/feeling heard, art, sacraments and spirituality, gifts and cards, flowers, thoughtfulness, playfulness, friendship,

creativity, finances

To know that...to bless that as a continuation of the story of US fills me with incredible HOPE and LOVE...and a brand new way of looking to the future. I get to do the rest of my life with HIM, if I choose to do so.  HEAVEN!  Continuing to choose otherwise is, well you know..."the other place".