Footnotes, Chapter 17

Best Laid Plans   

The last official chapter of Footnotes was written almost two years ago, when
Sawyer was eight months old, and I was in full-time EmmyCare mode. Since
that time, our book got published and has been enjoyed by lots of folks who
can identify with so many of the lessons Sawyer taught me. How interesting
then that another lesson, probably the one I've needed most, would appear
yesterday on the last day of my official EmmyCaring.


I have known for weeks now that as of summer, Sawyer would become a
full-timer at Trinity Daycare, an excellent childcare center that was lovingly
selected for him by his parents. He has been gradually easing over into
TrinityCare for the past year, so we've both had time to get used to this very
natural and healthy transition...for him and for me. Sawyer needs little people
to play with and new teachers in his life, and Emmy needs to acknowledge her
desires and limitations at this time in hers. It all made perfect sense, and there
you have it!


So, why in the world would finding out a week early that yesterday was our
last EmmyCare day have such a profound effect on me? I mean it's not like
anyone is moving away or that I'll never see him again. In fact, I expect our
relationship to be better than ever as we assume our very natural connection
as grandmother and grandson, without "daycare" in the mix. So, what's the
big deal? Why the tears...make that sobbing? Why, when I see his little bed
and his cups and his band-aid stuck on the side of the bathtub, does my heart
flip over?


LOVE! Yep...that's it! Genuine, heart-felt, you-don't-have-to-do-a-thing LOVE
...the very love we felt for each other during Sawyer's earliest baby days. Sure,
he's a big boy now and at two, he enjoys daring me to follow through on my
limit setting. Sure, he wants my undivided attention as he's on stage to show me
what he's doing every minute of the day. Sure, he requires lots of physical
movements I would not be making on my own if he weren't in the picture...ouch!
And, by the time he leaves each day, I am exhausted and just want to sit quietly
and zone out on television.


But love keeps showing up, right in the middle of all of this...just like it always 
has. And it showed up in the biggest of ways yesterday when his lesson was 
simply this:

Planning is not required for LOVE to show up.

When I thought next week was our "last week", I knew I'd make our "last day"
extra-special in some way...not sure what...but, knowing me, I would have
expended effort and emotion to "honor" our "last day"...and to get some kind of
closure...to make some kind of a "Saramony" out of it, perhaps.  AND, what I
know from vast experience is that I then would have those nasty little buggers
that follow closely on the heals of planning--EXPECTATIONS!  


Now, just imagine with me the unlimited opportunities for resentment and disappointment that would be waiting in the wings on "our special day".  
For one thing, it would be my picture of "our special day", and Sawyer wouldn't 
have a clue that he would need to respond and perform according to that 
picture in order for it to be "special". So, he'd just be Sawyer, for better or 
for worse. Perhaps it would have worked out just fine...who knows?


But here's what happened because Emmy didn't know: Our real "last day" was
totally unplanned, the way we usually do it...just doing what shows up. And we
did. (See yesterday's blog for the details) It could not have been any better if I'd
planned it. And, there were absolutely no expectations that it be anything other
than what it was. Wow! What a way to live!


So, thanks Sawyer, my forever wise little tutor (no pun intended) for arranging
things the way you do so that I keep remembering what's real. There's so much
more room for LOVE to show up when I get out of the way.